Just two days ago, I sat backstage for the 11th time in my white dress with Patricia, the hairpiece, in my hair and my pancaked pointe shoes on my feet. I sat on a bench on stage right, just like the ten shows before, listening to Jud and Curley in Jud’s smokehouse. The stillness and darkness backstage lulled the butterflies in my stomach, and hovering above the top of our house on set, my eyes lingered on the colorful lanterns that would lower during Act 2.
For the 11th time, I wanted to give my all to this show and this cast. I wanted to give to them the positive energy, joy, kindness, and beauty that they had given to me. I prayed to God that He would give me one more time to be the best that I could be for them. That just one more time, I could be the Dancing Laurey that they needed me to be.
My eyes stung, and I knew that for once, it wasn’t my false lashes or eyeliner. And if you know me, you know I’m not the crying type. So I blinked them back and stood up off the bench with a smile. The butterflies danced in my stomach again as I rubbed my rosin-covered pointe shoes on the stage just inside the curtain. And with a deep breath, inhaling all the good that I could possibly take in from this show, these people, and this place, I stepped onto stage.
This is the third time I’ve written this post, and I still can’t quite convey everything that being a part of Oklahoma has meant to me.
When my Director, Alex, first texted me back in January about being on the production team for this show, I was feeling lower than I had in a long time. After an MRI for my knee injury that was slowly pushing me out of ballet class, the possibilities of knee surgery and long recovery hovered over me for the first time in my life. I couldn’t imagine missing out on the Corpus Christi Ballet’s Swan Lake this spring, but I would do what was necessary for the longevity of my dance career, even if it meant sitting out.
As I looked up from her text at a Half Price Books in San Antonio, my eyes caught on a title in front of me: America Dances, by Agnes De Mille. I’m a firm believer in signs, and it felt like fate was saying, “do it!” That and my husband immediately saying, “do it!”
I submitted my information and quickly found out that I would be joining the production team as the Choreographer! Things were certainly looking up.
And after a consultation with my orthopedic doctor, I also found out that I would be able to recover from my injury with some physical therapy for a slow return to dance! Oklahoma and Swan Lake wouldn’t overlap, so I was ready to get moving again!
I’ll admit, when I walked into my first rehearsal for Oklahoma, I was nervous. What if my choreography wasn’t right? What if it was too hard? Or too easy? What if it was just terrible and everyone hated it? And hated me? It’s funny being on the production side, sometimes; I’ve never worried about my dancers, but I’ve always been worried about what I do right or wrong. Overthinking and perfectionism are a dangerous combination.
As I rushed in, breathless after driving as fast I legally could from the studio to get there in time, I was greeted by my cast with smiles, excitement, and actors already on the stage warming up and going over the songs that we would be working on that night. The electricity and excitement was palpable as I connected my music and started going over the movements in my head.
As we started learning the choreography, they absorbed it all like sponges; every little tip I gave them, every time we made little changes, they were ready to apply everything I gave them. Even my cast members who were intimidated by dancing attacked that choreography with gusto! And with each consecutive rehearsal, their confidence visibly grew.
I think a lot about the cast of “Kansas City”, and that particular piece may be the one that I was most proud of during our run. At the beginning of that first rehearsal, when we did a quick little tap lesson to get them started, I could feel the tension and uncertainty. None of the actors in this song had ever tapped before, and as someone that started tapping as a teenager, I completely understand the feeling!
But instead of letting the intimidation hold them back, they worked hard. I saw them constantly practicing in their boots when they weren’t actively rehearsing a scene or song, and it showed as the piece came together. By the time they performed that song for the first time on stage in front of an audience, they tapped and moved with confidence! In every single meet and greet, the people I talked to were shocked to find out that none of those actors had ever tapped before this show.
And the dance teacher in me is insanely proud of them for that hard work and how it paid off. It’s no small thing to show that kind of improvement in just a couple of months, but they did it!
I can’t mention “Kansas City” without mentioning my saloon girls, though. In the Dream Ballet, they added sass and a little bit of fun in an otherwise dark and quiet piece. The dramatic growth from when we started the piece to the last few performances was so much fun to watch! They grew from careful kickers to sassy divas that knew how good they looked. (If you’re a saloon girl reading this and didn’t know that you looked amazing up there, well, now you know!) Again, it’s what I love most about teaching; seeing the development of my dancers is the best reward.
The opportunity to bring to life this music and these scenes that I’d grown up with was such a magical opportunity. And the variety of dance that we incorporated into one show was staggering; tap, jazz, ballet, even a little square and line dancing! We hit all the marks. I’ve never been so stretched as a choreographer, and I can feel a difference in how I approach choreography and teaching it to my dancers after working with this amazing cast. It’s an incredible feeling to give so much energy and passion to a group, and to see it returned tenfold is an indescribable feeling. I just feel so grateful to have been a part of these artists’ journey, even if it was just for one song or one moment, and I can’t wait to see all of the amazing places they’ll go.
A week before the show opened, Alex and the Board made a difficult casting decision for the Dream Ballet. As the only other person that knew the part and could quickly jump in to some of the more technical dancing, I found myself suiting up to be Dancing Laurey! We would also have a new Dancing Curley, with one long rehearsal and a week of tech rehearsals to get it right.
After weeks of calling out corrections and slowly perfecting each dance, I felt the pressure to practice everything I had been preaching! And to take on partnering, the one part of my dance life that has always been the most intimidating for me! So I was a little nervous when I walked into that long rehearsal to clean the rest of the ballet and then go over the partnering with my Curley and Jud.
Immediately, both actors put me at ease as we started practicing intricate balances and lifts together. Neither had any formal ballet partnering training, but they made me feel safe and secure throughout every “scene” of the ballet that we danced! And for that gents, I still appreciate you!
I’ll never forget those weeks spent on that stage. Though I hadn’t originally planned on being a part of the show beyond choreography, I felt grateful for a chance to be out there with these amazing people. For the first time in my dance career, and on a pretty short timeline, I had to explore the depth of a character with “Dancing Laurey”. I remembered Agnes De Mille’s words about her own groundbreaking Dream Ballet when the musical originally came out in the 1940’s, how the choreography and movements were meant to augment the characters in the rest of the show. We see Laurey and Curley expressing their feelings that they keep hidden; we see Jud revealing all of his darkness; we see more demure, feminine ladies and rowdier, tougher gentlemen.
I threw myself into this character, exploring her world from within the parameters of the Dream Ballet. And, in the cheesiest way possible, I found that as I got to know Dancing Laurey better, I also got to know myself. I leaned into my acting impulses, trusting myself a little more with each performance. It took me back to my days just a year ago acting up on stage in Cinderella as the Ugly Stepsister, Drucilla. I hadn’t realized how much I enjoyed acting and dancing, and even more so how much I missed it.
Moments of my own life leapt into startling detail and strength during the ballet; falling in love, getting engaged, walking down the isle (complete with blue and white flowers!), feeling my dreams shatter, and fighting doggedly for my future. Sometimes, it felt like Dancing Laurey and I had walked similar roads in that dream sequence.
Memories of a different time started to resurface, memories of a girl who had dreams of Broadway before she reluctantly let them go after being told she would never make it by someone she greatly respected and trusted. I won’t go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say, I had finally found healing when I had found the ballet, where I rekindled my love for dance and the stage.
It never occurred to me that after a few years of tutus and pointe shoes, there may have been one more little piece missing from my puzzle. I found it when the wind went sweeping down the plains.
You can’t stand backstage silently listening to every song you’ve grown up with in one of your favorite musicals without singing along, and neither could I, especially during the title song. With each weekend, I sang a little louder and a little prouder.
I think that one of the things that made me fall in love with musical theater was that it had helped me find my voice as a shy, quiet teenager both on and off stage. Somewhere in the curtains off stage singing “Oklahoma”, I found it again.
And now, just two days ago, I sang “Oklahoma” for the last time. As the closing notes of the final reprise were drowned out by the roar of the audience, I found myself smiling. No tears. Even though this funny, odd, magical, wonderful show was coming to an end, a new chapter of my life was starting. One where I didn’t have to be just a dancer. Maybe I could be something even more.
I want to thank Alex for asking me to be a part of her team and for this incredible opportunity! Your leadership and encouragement as we we built this show was so empowering and I hope I’m half as amazing as you when I grow up!
I want to thank the Board for taking on someone totally new to choreograph a classic and then to dance in it pretty much sight unseen! I appreciate your confidence in me, and I can’t wait to be a part of more shows in the future!
I want to thank my AMAZING cast for being the best group I could ask for. You went above and beyond in every rehearsal to take my vision to an entirely new level! I’m so so so proud of you all, and you should be, too. I can’t wait to see all of the amazing things that you do!
I also want to thank my amazing husband for being my biggest cheerleader throughout this entire experience. Thank you for encouraging me to take on something that I was afraid to do, and for never doubting me, even when I doubted myself. I couldn’t have done any of this without you and I’m so lucky to have you in my life!
And I want to thank God for putting all of these amazing people in my life the exact moment that I needed them. It has been a truly incredible experience sharing this show and stage with every single one of them.
Jess Hill Dances 
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